A sigh of relief...

Typically after a long relationship ends, there are a series of relationships that follow where they either just don't go anywhere or you use them to work out your inner problems. There is nothing bad about that because they all give you a chance to explore who you really are and what you really want out of a relationship. They also give you a chance to learn a few things for when the "right" person comes along.

When my ex and I broke up almost a year ago last year, I have to admit that I felt fairly numb inside. To add to that, I felt like I didn't know what I wanted, what I needed and asked if I should just give up in general. I continued on my plan to move back to Denver, to get back to something that was familiar. Was I ready to come home, no. I was, in a way, forced to because I had already quit my job and was not fully able to afford going to grad school in NYC.

So I got back here, dated a couple of people - or rather went on a couple of dates with a couple of people. Then, I met Chris.

Chris is a great guy with a lot of potential. He just doesn't know it yet. Things started slow, which was annoying at first, but looking back it was the best thing that could have happened. We would see each other two or three times a week. But there were small things that started to pop up that would make me question just how into the whole relationship he was. I never met any of his good friends. He flat out refused to meet most of my good friends. We always had to do things on his schedule and on his time. My suggestions were often ignored or brushed aside. Small things here and there. This made it difficult for me to give me all.

Well, it ended up not last because I grew to realize I needed something more significant, more long-term. He was not up to that - at all. So we mutually parted ways.

I was upset, like anyone should be after a relationship ends. But I quickly realized that I learned something that I thought was impossible after the year I've had. I learned that I do, in fact, want a long term, deep relationship where I can pour my entire being into something and someone. I also realized that there is nothing wrong with me and who I am. I have my quirks, like we all do. But there is nothing wrong with being a little OCD when it comes to certain things.

In the end, I learned a few things about myself, which I only have one person to thank.

Some wood, a little stain and a lot of patience

So I built a coffee table. Yes, you read that correctly, I built it with my own two hands. I have to say, for being a bit rusty on the powertools, I did a pretty good job. It wasn't as hard as I thought either. Now, that is not to say that it is an award winning table, but it will hold your coffee cups and magazines you never read with at least some style.

These are a couple of photos that I took while in the process of buying my supplies. I started off at Lowes thinking I could find everything I needed in one stop. I was wrong. Surprisingly, they didn't have a lot of what I was looking for. So a second trip was needed to Home Depot.There I found the rest of the supplies, including the table top. (This would be a good time to admit that I bought a pre-manufactured table top. Judge as you wish).

I began cutting and drilling holes and screwing wood screws into the table. I know for future table making, I am going to use thinner joints than I did on this one. (I ended up having to go back and buy longer screws because of it.) I was able to secure the inside boarder using a guiding piece on the inside of the table. That saved me from screwing directly into the table top so many times. I was kind of afraid I was going to pierce through the top! Thankfully, I didn't.

Next, it was time to attach the legs. It involved me drilling holes through the pieces already attached to the table top and through the legs themselves! Well, I am glad this isn't making an entry into a contest because I got a little sloppy. So, note to self - triple check where you are drilling your holes and make sure you are using the correct drilling bit before you make saw dust. But don't worry - you can barely see the holes once I filled them with putty. Now for some stain!

So, because I built this table for a friend of mine, he got to choose the finish! Great choice! Look at how well it stuck to the wood! That is just the undercoat. The photo at the very top is the top look and there is another photo below that shows a close-up of the table top. And look, you can't even tell I drilled holes into the legs!!

Once it warms up, I am going to be building a lot more. Next on my list is a coffee table of my own and a couple of side tables. I am also thinking of making a night stand, but that might have to come much later. Stay tuned!

So... I am building this coffee table

So I decided it would be a wise decision to build a coffee table. So far, things are going relatively smoothly - seeing as I haven't been around power tools for a while. I will have photos up soon. I am very excited. :)

Sometimes...

Sometimes the hardest decisions really do turn out to be the best decisions.

Case in point - I was supposed to move to NYC for school in September. I ended up not moving. There have been times I thought I should have just done it and made my way in the world - which would have been starting from scratch seeing as my friend connection in NYC had dwindled by a few people. Instead, I am making a name for myself here in Denver, a fantastic city that I have to say is much more welcoming and much warmer than the concrete jungle. Really... if I wanted to live in a place where the nickname has the word jungle in it, I might as well move to Africa or South America.

I digress...

I have never felt more at peace than I do here. I have a city I can play in and a countryside (mountains included) where I can get lost in my thoughts. And, on top of all of that, I actually have money to enjoy life instead of working to pay the rent.

So, thank you to those couple of factors who pushed me back to the Mile High City. I am still learning and growing, but it feels so much better to grow without all the unnecessary crap that would have come with living in a place that cares more about image than about personality and humanity.

Did he really just do that?!?

So, there I was, left feeling shocked and dismayed. I had gone up to say hi to someone at Tracks I had been seeing for the past two months. We weren't dating, but we would hang out and grab dinner, coffee, a movie, a show. I had just seen him earlier in the afternoon/evening where we grabbed coffee and hung out for almost two hours. As I went in to give him a hug, he leaned back and offered me his hand. His hand! Yes, you read that right, his hand!! Instinctively, I gave him my hand. It took me a couple of moments for the lightbulb to go off. I quickly withdrew my hand, mumbled something and walked away.

Now, I know that was not very adult of me to do, but after thinking of it for a while, I keep coming to the conclusion that he was being rude. Granted, we were only friends, but offering a hand instead of a hug is like a slap in the face, especially when hugs are dished out like candy every other time you see each other.

Bottom line, I am not going to be making the effort to talk to him. If he wants to hang out again or talk, he will have to place the first call. All I know is that I am not a fan of being treated like that without a good explanation.

So, I guess my question is: Am I right in feeling this way? Am I over-analyzing this exchange? I guess time will tell, but for now, let me hear your thoughts.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since my last post on here. I have been meaning to do it, but every time I sit down, I either can't form the words or I lose interest. Not anymore! I have to get one in, even if it is short, sweet and to the point.

You know how you just know when you've met someone special - whether it be friends or something more. There is this feeling of happiness, joy, giddiness. That happened to me recently. I met someone who is very special and we hit it off quite well. The unfortunate thing about all of this, he was moving back home.

The similarities were eerily familiar to mine not so long ago. He wasn't happy with his current situation. He missed his friends and family. And he just felt like he needed to go home. How could I fault him for that? I had felt the same just a couple of months before. Still, there is a bit of a hole left over as a result. Little does he know (or maybe he already does), he has helped me in many ways.

So, he is off doing what I am doing now - living life the way we needed in order to keep our sanity. I wish him the best of luck and I know our paths will cross again.

A Look Back at the Last Month

One month ago, I took one of the biggest risks in my life. I left a job in Rochester, NY, to head home to Denver. I didn't have a job, I didn't have much in my savings and I wasn't sure if Denver was even the right place to be going.

There were a lot of things happening to me internally that prompted the move. Above all, I missed my family. Working with people who had their families to go home to made me want that same thing. I missed being able to stop by for a home-cooked meal. I missed seeing the people I wanted to see whenever I wanted. True, my family was only a phone call away, but after four years, that just wasn't enough.

So I decided to hop in the car and drive my life back to Denver. All I can say is that things are working out. I am now working full time at KUSA/9News in Denver (that's the NBC station in town for those of you who don't know). I was first hired as an editor. Before even going through orientation, I have already been moved to the assignment desk. It is a full-time job with awesome benefits. I can honestly say that I am completely excited. I can use my editorial judgement in my work. I will be starting up classes in the fall at the University of Colorado at Denver. Moving back has also introduced me and reintroduced me to some great people, some which will become a much bigger part of my daily life.

Overall, I can say this was a great move mentally and professionally. This doesn't discount the move to Rochester. I learned more than I ever could have imagined about myself and the business. I also made some incredible friends who will forever be in my heart and soul. All I can say is listen to your heart and soul. Things happen for a reason. You just have to be open to change and ready to take a leap of faith.

Hesitation...

I have to admit, there was some hesitation on going back to Bismarck this past weekend. I wasn't so much worried about the people I was going to see, but worried about the emotions I was going to feel.

The people I saw are people I have been missing over the past year. They are people who I can lean on in a time of need and who are always around to hear my thoughts (even if we will never see eye to eye on some of them). They are the friends I made over the past three years in Bismarck and they are the ones who have stuck by me. They welcomed me with open arms. As my friend said, it was just like time was put on hold. Things just fell right into place and picked up where they left off.

The big revelation came to me in the shower (where I do most of my thinking) about this very topic. I realized I made plenty of memories in that city. Some of those memories involved people no longer a part of my life in one capacity or another. Those memories are worth remembering, but they aren't the only memories. There are plenty of other memories that outnumber the ones creating the hesitation. What I had to do is face those memories conjured up by certain locations - such as eating at the place of a first date or driving past the ex's house - and continue creating new memories.

Let me end by saying it was a great weekend. There are people I didn't get a chance to see and others I wanted to spend even more time with. I know, after this visit, I will be back many times over, creating new memories for years to come. As for those old memories, I will remember all of them, learning from them and growing.

What A Week...

I realize this post should have been posted on Wednesday, but it's been a crazy week of events. I can honestly say this has been and is one of the best weeks I've had in a VERY long time. The icing on the cake... Bismarck, ND.

So, Wednesday evening, my dad and I finally got my power window situation fixed. I had to log onto a Jeep forum to find the solution to the problem. Turns out a very common problem on Jeep Cherokees is that the master switch for the power windows starts thinking the windows are on child lock, thus making the windows operable from just the driver side. Well, after hours of working on it, we grounded that wire. As luck would have it, now the windows work! It is still being a little testy at the moment, but now each window operates on its own for the most part.

It got me thinking about the move home and the self-reflection I have been doing over the past few weeks. My last post referred to the windows in a way that was holding me back, leaving my life in the hands of another. Now, with the windows opening on their own, I do feel a sense of relief, of accomplishment and of freedom. I am no longer bogged down by one control determining how much air each window allows.

On top of that, and some of you may think I should have started the blog with this tidbit of news, I got a job! I am, what the news business calls, a Multimedia Journalist/Editor for the NBC station in Denver, Colorado. You may have heard of it. 9News. KUSA. THE best shop in town some may argue. Anyways, I start next week, as long as the background and drug screenings come back clean. I am extremely excited and extremely grateful for the job and everyone who was integral in making it happen. I won't be on the air, but I will be editing video from NBC National, in-house video and playing photographer and writer. I can say I am honestly blessed.

On top of all of that, a very, very good friend of mine is back in town visiting for the weekend. So, in true fashion, we wrangled up the original four to head out and paint the town red. We hadn't all been together in the same place for four years! Now, I am heading to Bismarck, ND, for a weekend of my own to see some very important people in my life. More on that when I get back!

The Stars

I spent my evening and night outside working on my car. (Yes, I can sometimes be very handy). I am trying to fix an electrical problem that prevents my passenger windows from being controlled by the people sitting in those seats. Needless to say, this has been a problem for quite some time. And given all this "free time" I currently have, I thought I would use it to my advantage. As I was calling it a night and putting the car back together, I looked up and saw something I hadn't seen, or maybe hadn't noticed, in a very long time - the Big Dipper.

It got me thinking about life over the past few years and how this electrical problem has mirrored life in Bismarck and Rochester. Each of those four windows represents something in my life, something about my character. One by one, each stopped working, until only the driver's side panel controlled them, leaving the passengers frustrated that they couldn't control those windows.

Looking back, that is how life was getting for me. I couldn't control those windows; I couldn't control certain parts of my life. I acted out, often inappropriately. I also fooled myself into believing that giving up on this, moving onto that or just focusing on one fantasy would give me that freedom again to control those windows. Needless to say, it left me feeling even more out of control, more helpless. My life was at the mercy of essentially one person, and it wasn't me. I let myself become wrapped up in a fictional story of a white picket fence, leaving reality to suffer.

As for the electrical problem, I might have to pay a pretty penny to get those windows working again. But I know that once each switch works on its own, life will be a little closer to the way it was before they decided to go out. Life has a funny way of going full-circle. Sometimes, however, you have to repair that circle to bring it back to its original glory.

Toy Story's Woody (yes, I went there) said, "Reach for the stars!" After all that has happened to me this past year, I starting to find it was hard to continue reaching. But I am slowly starting to settle into my life here in Denver, under the same sky as Bismarck and Rochester, but under more familiar stars.